Stay with me here, because it is a long walk to a small house....
We had our legal department Secret Santa last week (or, Secret Non-religious Gifting Event, since it was a bunch of lawyers). The limit on gifts was $20.
The night before the lunch, I struck out in SoHo with a co-worker, Anjali, on what was the coldest night in New York during the past year. I had chosen the name of another co-worker, Mike. Having recently moved to New York as well, Mike has the guts to actually bike around this city. On the streets.
One day while biking, Mike claims to have been accosted by a raccoon. The raccoon blocked Mike's bike path and caused Mike to wreck, resulting in some rather pretty cuts and bruises all over his face and hands. So bad was he swollen, on that Monday, he warned the legal department with a pre-emptive email explaining what had happened so that he would not be asked a million times.
Back to SoHo in 15 degree weather:
" Anjali, we should get Mike a stuffed raccoon!" I said.
" Yes, a cute and cuddly one. Maybe with some Christmas candy in its sweet little paws" Anjali responded.
We started searching SoHo for a stuffed animal store.
That lasted about 5 minutes (remember the 15 degree weather?). Anjali, being thin and wearing the wrong coat that day, gave up quickly. I, on the other hand, was determined to find SOMETHING raccoon related. We walked up and down the confusing streets of SoHo to no avail.
And THEN:
I saw this store: Evolution NYC. A whole store full of human skulls, stuffed vermin, and bugs enclosed in glass. It is like the closet Darwin didn't want you to see.
"We will get a real stuffed raccoon!" I said to Anjali, my mind obviously affected by the numbing cold as I pulled her inside the narrow, creepy store.
Inside, a real stuffed raccoon sat on the counter, reared back and ready to scare Mike and his bike. It was perfect, but a bit above the Secret Santa limit at $500. The other stuffed raccoon, which the salesperson described as "being in a trash bag in the back" where it was not "too mothball-y smelling," was nonetheless still north of the $20 limit.
Ah, but, over here, Anjali.... I found the Raccoon Penis Bone. And, it was only $6!
Anjali immediately shot down raccoon penis bone. I think her more-attuned lawyerly instinct sensed the vague notion of a sexual harassment suit. Something about Mike opening it up in front of all the lawyers during Secret Santa might just tip the scales over to a "hostile work environment."
But next to the raccoon penis bone was.... a WHOLE JAR of raccoon skulls. And only $20 bucks each.
"Perfect" I yelled.
"I'm outta here" yelled Anjali as she fitfully bundled up, quickly fleeing out of Evolution's front door lest I started asking about the potions in the back.
I cannot really say how I came to believe a raccoon skull would actually make a good gift. I think I got too caught up in the theme.
I do love a theme. It comes from my family and the way we would decorate to the rafters for every holiday.
Now on my own, I knew I couldn't give just the skull. So I started looking for a stand to put it on. It is all about the presentation, after all.
(reminder, at this point it was about 9 pm, the temperature had dropped to about 10 degrees, and I was still in trendy SoHo when what I needed was a Michael's or a Craft City..)
So I burst in to the upscale kitchen supply shop Sur La Table. When the nice lady asked me if she could help, I said:
"I need a small stand" I said.
"For what?" she smiled
"For this..." and I yanked out the raccoon skull.
The lady wasn't too helpful after that.
But then, it hit me. The skull would not just sit on some stand, requiring a lot of explanation upon opening. I needed to continue the theme, to push it to its limit.
Let's see, I had the raccoon item. Now I needed to tie it back to the bike and the accident. The theme, the theme!
I knew that were I a raccoon, keen on threatening a cyclist, if I saw one of my kind's skull on such bike, I would probably run away. I thought about those deer warning whistles you put on cars.
Still in Sur La Table, and left to my own devices by a now less-than-helpful sales staff, I picked up a wooden crumb collector (perfect for the stand) and a spoon clamp (to clamp whatever I concocted onto a bike). Across the street at Katie's Paperie, I found some black paper, the all-too-important paint pens, and the crowning touch: red ribbon.
Back in my warm apartment, I got to work. Two different kinds of super glue didn't work, and I resorted to electrical tape, which is all I had at midnight. It took me another hour to wrap it perfectly, complete with the explanatory signs and handmade cards.
Finally it came together (without any alcohol of any sort, by the way), straight out of my imagination.
The one of a kind, FlipCo original!
Mike's very own:
Mike's very own:
BIKE R.A.A.K.
(or "Raccoon Accident Avoidance Kit")
Ta-da:
(or "Raccoon Accident Avoidance Kit")
Ta-da:
I was scared to death when I woke the next morning and saw my present, wrapped as it was in black paper with red and black ribbon and skull sticker on the top. I feared the relentless pursuit of a theme had gotten the best of me. I sent an email to Anjali, "I think this may not go over so well" I typed. She didn't respond.
Well, now, to the small house to which we arrive: Mike LOVED it. I knew he would, having once told me that The Nightmare Before Christmas was a holiday favorite of his. The best Christmas present of his life, he claims on his blog. (the best compliment ever...though I did comment on his blog that he must have gotten some crummy gifts in his life). Even Anjali couldn't stop laughing.
So that is the story of a my first Secret Santa on the new job. I think I set some pretty high expectations for next year, at least when it comes to a theme. More likely, though, I may not be asked to draw a name.
*************
Despite its odd subject, this post is dedicated to my Aunt Ann. She passed away this weekend, and if there ever were anyone responsible for my inclinations for crafts, themes, and decorating, it would be all my aunts, but Aunt Ann in particular. Aunt Ann never met a ledge that couldn't be decorated or a glue gun that couldn't be put to constant use. With her boughs and bows and florist wire, she turned many of my childhood holidays into sheer magic. God bless you, Aunt Ann. You will be missed, but I know heaven is better decorated with you there.
